Sunday, March 20, 2016

The Will to Try

I’ve been staying with my grandparents the past few days. They live in sunny Southern California, right on the coast. While the beach is always welcoming, the best part of the trip is my grandparents. My grandparents are the best people I know. Both lived through the Depression, my grandpa is a WW2 hero, who later managed and owned a successful cattle ranch business. Granny Annie is a master chef. Everything she touches is beautiful and delicious. She is incredibly smart, and has a gift for solving any puzzle, riddle, or trivia question you throw her way. She is so capable and brilliant, but she is much too humble to admit that.
They raised my amazing mom, two wonderful aunts; and have eight grandkids that absolutely adore them. My grandparents are incredibly kind, honest, and hard working people. Grandpa Al is an expert scientist on cattle digestions-- yes you read that correctly. They both don’t stop moving. They always have a project or something they are working towards. They are an occupational therapist’s dream clients. Nothing slows them down.
I was talking with my grandpa this past week about his research. From a research and industry perspective, his findings changed the game of raising cattle. From a strict scientific perspective, how he tested his hypothesis and his results he received are incredibly atypical of most research. His findings lead to numerous published patents, and have been very successful in industry.
The more I have grown in my own, very small, understanding of science they more I am in awe of what my grandpa has done. We were talking this week and I asked him what made him so successful. His response, he was always wiling to try.
As an American who grew up in public education, I heard many variations of the same quote—always be willing to try. I think the concept is great, but after hearing the same thing for 23 years, it loses its luster. Although I completely agree with my grandpa, I want to add to his belief.
Yes, he was and is always willing to try, to experiment, and to tamper with his ideas. But his ability to try was deeply rooted in passion and curiosity. Cattle digestion and nutrition is my grandpa’s life work. It was his career for many years, and how it’s his favorite hobby. Grandpa Al could talk about cattle digestion all day, and believe me, we have done that. It’s exciting to be with someone who has such immense passion. Sometimes, it does not matter if you are interested in the subject. Sometimes, it’s enough to be around someone who is so engaged in something that lights your fire. My grandpa has an incredible legacy in his research. He pursued a subject that many people don’t even know exists and has made it his own. He excites me for my future.
Six years ago, I googled occupational therapy after a dinner discussion with my mom. I came across the AOTA website and have been hooked ever since. It’s my obsession. It’s what I fall asleep thinking about each night. It’s something that makes me feel electrified. This does not mean graduate school does not scare the shit out of me. I did not realize how vulnerable school would leave me at times. There are moments when I’ve questioned if I am capable of getting through. If I’m focused enough, if I’m a good enough student, if I’m smart enough. Amy Poehler refers to this voice as the demon. This voice of self-doubt creeps into my consciousness at the most inopportune time. This voice is frankly, a little bastard. I have never let this monster run me more than this semester. I hate to admit weakness, but the demon had me at my knees.
Fortunately, I’ve learned that extreme stress makes me incredibly focused. I’m getting through; I’m going to be fine; I’m succeeding. The demon is gradually fading out the more I realize how capable I am.  I’m stressed, I’m tired, I have sooo much stuff to do. I’ve got this.

I feel like self-doubt is one of the most basic human characteristics. But stepping back, taking a breath, and having the will to try makes you successful. Not letting insecurities derail you is a life changer. We are so often told “no” in our lives, we need to start telling ourselves “yes”. I’m trying to learn how to give myself a break, throw off my inner demon a little, and to keep going. I mean—I have to at least try.